I don’t know how many of you have heard of the Enneagram? It is an analytical
personality style evaluation tool. There are nine styles, each having their own
idiosyncrasies. It takes bits of information and accretes them. Each style has
adaptive and non-adaptive, resourceful and non-resourceful characteristics. An
other way to express it is “upside” and “downside” features. I took this
evaluator during my Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) training from 2000-2001.
CPE is a chaplain training program modeled after the medical
internship/residency process. In other words, it is harsh and demanding. If you
are a chaplain and did not have that experience, consider yourself fortunate. I
learned that I am a 6/7 split between them. This means that I am a loyal and
obedient person with courage. But I fear and find the world kind of dangerous.
However, I tend to take on too much and might even have an addictive
personality. I am in transition to find joy, while avoiding pain.
In CPE there is a supervisor or trainer/evaluator. These
folks have special training to manage groups and individuals in a growth
process. Much of CPE is to learn about yourself so that you can get yourself
out of the way when meeting with people in crisis or in need of spiritual
counseling or support. Sadly some supervisors never figured out how to get
themselves out of the way.
I had my first unit; a nine-month “extended” one at the only
downtown Milwaukee hospital. We met one day a week, plus one day for clinical
or seeing patients. My Supervisor was an ordained Pastor in the African
Methodist Episcopal (AME) church. She was soft-spoken, petite and humble woman.
However, her preaching voice thundered and was filled with story and
conviction. I had the privilege of hearing her at St. Mark AME in Milwaukee, a
church with stained glass windows surrounding the lofty and massive sanctuary.
Each window was the same, blood red with an anvil in the center. She had come
from an abusive Southern upbringing that modeled the anvil as so many blacks
had. She shared her hard times and persevering life in intimate detail, until
as I remember, all her students were in tears. We had learned what open sharing
really meant. It was a privilege, albeit
not easy, to be under her tutelage. We would see patients and write up the
experience into what is called a verbatim. This sometimes thought-by-thought
interaction portrayed the interaction in excruciating detail including our
impressions of our own reactions. A supervisor led group counseling followed
this writing. These would be visceral, going deep to motivation, fears,
frailties and lessons. Often our own weakness was the centerpiece as each
person took shots at our selfishness or other unseemly attributes. The process
was meant to break us down to understand our own motivations therefore seeing
the other person more clearly. Chaplaincy in a ministry of presence and
listening, not talking. Even though I was on call often over weekends when I
found little or no sleep, I came away enthralled and loving my new venture. I
had gone into ministry including my seminary training to be a healthcare
chaplain moving from the “front office” to bedside to serve. You see for 35
years before I had been a hospital CEO or consultant/educator. God was finally
saying perhaps, you have learned enough to care for my people. Now you will
learn more if you stay quiet and open your heart.
My supervisor wondered about my motivation and ability to
take the executive out of the picture, humble myself and see life from someone
else’s perspective. I will have to say, this took awhile, but became a
wonderful journey. Certainly as I walked the hospital halls I could see fire
and safety violations or question administrative or medical staff decisions.
However, it was and is refreshing to not have that stress and responsibility
hanging over me 24/7 anymore.
I became the chaplain at a continuing care facility with
some 700 residents in assisted living, skilled nursing rehabilitation and
independent living circumstances owned by a large healthcare system. It was a
little village unto itself and I was their chaplain/pastor. What a great
privilege to chat, counsel, and teach/preach, marry and bury folks I learned to
know intimately. This place became known at “Heaven’s Launchpad,” as the aged
went “home” on a regular basis. In fact in the eight years I was involved, I
officiated at some 150 funerals or memorial services in the lovely chapel or
funeral homes and cemeteries throughout Southern Wisconsin. I stayed there until I was called to help out
my church as the “congregational care” person. That story is for another
meditation. However, before I leave this
wonderful village experience, I must tell you of the downside, which was not
the funerals. Actually, I love doing funerals, as it is a time to reminisce and
evangelize.
After a couple of
years in my village position the complex was sold to a long-term care company
in the area. I had already planned to
take three more units of CPE and become board certified through the same strong
CPE program I had begun. My new boss, however, said I must resign from that
plan and be part of her CPE. Therein begins perhaps one of the most challenging
and dark periods of my life.
I would have the unique position of having my boss be my CPE
Supervisor. Actually this is not supposed to happen, but so began quite an
adventure. I would be working full-time at the village and be full-time in CPE.
This amounted to working some 80 hours a week, plus on call. It meant working
on one side of town and then driving the 20 miles to the other for meetings
several times a week. My supervisor was the enneagram expert, who was a five on
this scale. This meant that for her, knowledge is power and brought
intellectual arrogance and superiority. Emotionally they are a bit self-absorbed,
detached, and hard to know. Herein lies a problem. She wanted to be in total
control. She never shared about herself
other than her mastery of chaplaincy. The contrast to the transparent and
caring previous supervisor was brutal. This supervisor wanted to keep students
off balance and believing that their situation was “tenuous.” Her management
style was built around threat and negative or lack. Unlike my earlier CPE, this
supervisor did not believe that I could transition from management. Being in
authority was her lead. By the way I had taken multiple personality tests that
identified that I did not do well with people in authority who wanted to lord
over me or keep me “walking on eggshells.” You see, my mother, a bipolar,
alcoholic woman who developed early Alzheimer’s, kept me walking on
eggshells. This was not a good match.
My performance was always unsatisfactory and selfish in demeanor
from her perspective. She made it clear that I was unable to be able to be
present for patients. This struggle continued until I had survived the CPE
Residency. Thank God I had other people
who offered me encouragement. Additionally it became clear that my supervisor
was a very imbalanced person. Numerous CPE students resigned from the program
writing to senior management that she was overbearing, negative and
inappropriate in negative reinforcement. In fact, she was forced into
counseling to understand herself. This traumatic combination of events caused
me to leave my employment for another chaplaincy in a psychiatric hospital.
Although, the work fit my strengths and giftedness it was too intense covering
four sites and numerous specialty programs as the only full-time chaplain. I
resigned and sadly came back to the same position I had vacated, perhaps in
need of employment or as Proverbs said “As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool
repeats a folly” (Proverbs 26:11).
Returning to my old role was a traumatic error. My former supervisor
was still there and cut my hours and pays by 40 percent even though I now had
more than five years of chaplaincy experience. I recognized that this
narcissistic woman was going to control and even punish me for leaving. I
continued to serve obediently and loyally as my profile or personality
dictated. Soon, however, my church asked me to fill in as their congregational
care person because of a pastoral resignation. I have written about this
misguided change in another meditation. The lead pastor was also a controlling
and narcissistic leader.
I am now serving as a hospital chaplain in an environment
with wonderful opportunities to serve, but with difficult staff members. Sounds
familiar. However, I have learned and persevered through previous roles. I have
been obedient and submitted to God’s will. He has strengthened my spirit to
recognize His love in the suffering and hard times. James 1:2-4 says “Consider
it pure joy when you come into trials of diverse kinds, because the testing of
your faith develops perseverance which must finish its work so that you may be
mature and complete, lacking nothing.” I now ask God for wisdom in the
trial and He has given me guidance to know that most difficulties are not about
me and not to be feared. God is working all things together for our good as we
have been called by His purpose (Romans 8:28 paraphrase). I can now thank God for my trials given to
strengthen and make me complete until I see Him face to face.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.